Grudge match: the dangerous Jewish sport of ‘broiges’

The word "broiges" is now officially listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, albeit spelled as “b-r-o-i-g-u-s.” Personally, I spell it as “b-r-o-i-g-e-s,” but does it really matter? I won’t get into a broiges over spelling!
In Yiddish, “broiges” means a bitter dispute, quarrel, or feud, deriving from the Hebrew word be-rogez (in anger). It’s a distinctly Jewish way of expressing upset and anger, though many other cultures surely have their equivalents.

At a communal level, broiges provides endless intrigue—keeping tabs on who upset whom is a staple of Jewish politics. At a family level broiges can result in painful rifts that endure for generations. Both can be damning and damaging for our social fabric.

The Torah uses a related term to describe agitation, referring to a lev ragaz or "unquiet heart" (Deuteronomy 28:65). In the story of Joseph, the word emerges in a poignant context. After revealing his identity to his brothers, Joseph sends them to bring their father to Egypt, cautioning them with “Al tirgazu badarech”—don’t become upset on the way.

Joseph’s insight here is poignant and powerful. He is warning his brothers against succumbing to blame and mutual recrimination, urging them to avoid rehashing the hurts that had fractured their family. It was a plea to break the cycle of betrayal, hatred, and violence.

While broiges can stem from trivial matters, the consequences can be severe. As the Oxford example humorously illustrates: “The worst thing you can do is get into a confrontation with someone else’s five-year-old. Not only is it infra dig, but it can result in the most terrible broigus.”

From fareebels to feuds

In South Africa, where I grew up, “fareebels” was the go-to word for petty squabbles. The late Chief Rabbi Louis Rabinowitz even called fareebels a “South African Jewish sport.” While not listed in Yiddish dictionaries, journalist Peter Kohn offered me a linguistic clue: as a German speaker, he noted its similarity to the word verübeln, which means “to create offense” or “to make bilious.”

In German, phrases like “Tu es mir nicht verübeln, aber…” (“Don’t be offended, but…”) often precede a negative comment—the kind that could spark a broiges. Considering South Africa’s history of German and Dutch linguistic influences, and its waves of Jewish immigration, it’s possible if not likely that fareebels stems from this German root.

The danger of petty quarrels

Petty arguments, however trivial, have a dangerous tendency to escalate into deeply destructive feuds. The Torah underscores the harm of lingering animosity in Leviticus 19:18: “You shall not take revenge, and you shall not bear a grudge against a member of your people; you shall love your neighbour as yourself.”

This commandment often relates to monetary disputes: I shouldn’t refuse to lend you something just because you once refused to lend to me (revenge), nor should I begrudgingly lend it while pointing out my moral superiority (holding a grudge). The wisdom here lies in recognizing how minor offences can fester and corrode relationships.

Envy and disappointment often fuel revenge and resentment. While the saying “revenge is a dish best served cold” usually suggests detachment and planning, I prefer a different interpretation: if you let your anger cool, you may realize revenge isn’t worth pursuing at all. Time and reflection can transform anger into introspection—and even love.

Broiges vs existential struggles

Of course, not all conflicts are personal or communal . When existential threats arise, revenge indeed be justifiable. The Torah commands revenge against the Midianites (Numbers 31:2), and the Talmud even calls revenge “great” and “praiseworthy” (Brachot 33a). Yet Deuteronomy reminds us, “Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord.”

Rabbi Shlomo Riskin clarifies that revenge becomes necessary or even a Halachic (Jewish legal) imperative in life-and-death scenarios, such as confronting genocidal terrorism of the Hamas and Hezbollah kind. Compassion cannot neutralize existential threats; decisive action is required. But when in doubt, revenge should never be the first course of action. It should also not be an enduring motivation — one of the dangers of the current war in Gaza.

Replacing broiges with blessings

Thankfully, broiges rarely involve existential crises. The verse in Leviticus that warns against grudges ends with the words, “Love your neighbour.” Within this lies the potential for personal growth and transformation.

We all have the capacity to rise above resentment, to relinquish the need to dominate or destroy our personal enemies. Instead of perpetuating a broiges, we can offer a bracha (blessing). By letting go of baseless hatred (sinat chinam) and embracing unconditional love (ahavat chinam), we fulfill one of humanity’s greatest tasks: to create a world rooted in understanding, compassion, and renewal.

This article has been adapted from a chapter in Ralph Genende’s book Living in an Upside-Down World: Finding Meaning in Complex Times.