I’m queer, I’m converting to Judaism, and I stand with my people

My name is Deni. I use they/them pronouns, I’m almost 38 and I’ve “come out” more times than most. At 19 I came out to family as gay and at 32, I came out to the world as non-binary. I’m currently halfway through the process of converting to Judaism and in God’s timing, will eventually come out – as Jewish.

However, today I come out publicly as a Zionist – perhaps my most terrifying coming out experience thus far.

Let me explain. I was born Serbian-Orthodox and later raised Jehovah’s Witness. Believing in God was not an option in my family, it was a way of life. I read the Bible daily, attended services three times a week, and prayed to God four times a day – for a decade. There was just one minor issue. I was gay.

The version of God sold to me, was one that despised my identity. For 10 years I prayed for my gay to go-away, pleading with God to rid me of this “sin”. I suppressed it until I couldn’t. After coming out to my family, I knew that I could no longer practice my faith. There were no loopholes for homosexuality in our Christianity, so I stopped praying altogether and carried Christian guilt.

Shame aside, coming out was both terrifying and thrilling. The initial chaos made way for relief, my parent’s grief made way for allyship and the gates to the all-consuming gay world opened. However, I always felt like something was missing. I felt untethered. Prayer was once my lifeline, God once my best friend – and suddenly I lost both. 

So, I threw every ounce of myself into my new identity and its culture. One rich with history, rainbows and pulsating dance floors, soundtracked to Kylie Minogue. Life, however, has a way of coming at you hard and fast. It’s no coincidence that people often fall to their knees in moments of darkness – praying for divine intervention. Four years after coming out, I began to pray again. Whilst I wasn’t sure God would listen, I spoke anyway.