Should Mum or Dad have the ‘safe sex’ chat?

Dear Sex and the Shtetl,
I'm a mother to a 16 year-old boy who has his first girlfriend. I'd like my husband to have the 'use a condom' chat with him man to man but my husband thinks I should be the one to do it because they only really talk about school and sport. What should I do?
Upper management Mumma

First of all, mazel tov to your son whose social status would have undoubtedly skyrocketed since the relationship’s hard launch (or ‘kickoff’ to borrow a sporting term with less innuendo). Secondly, congrats to you and your husband who have now reached the sacred parental milestone of Who’s Going to Emphasise Safe Sex? It’s a game of hot potato most parents don’t want to win.

Let me begin by saying that your husband’s reluctance is understandable. He has carved out a perfectly functional relationship with your son based on school and sport; the two safest conversation topics known to men. Why get tangled in a cringe sex scrum when he can just sit on the bench and discuss who should be subbed off at halftime? While I admire your husband’s commitment to tactical avoidance, tagging you in because “we don’t talk about that stuff” isn’t going to cut it.

Assuming your son is mature enough to have a girlfriend, he’d be mature enough to hear a few uncomfortable truths from both of you.

That being said, your approach matters. Nothing will send a teenage boy into a biblical style exile faster than the words, “So … you and Ella seem to be getting serious.” Your son will see through this setup immediately and before you know it, he’s taken a sudden interest in the ALDI specials catalogue on the kitchen bench.

What you need is a strategy. Something casual. Ambush him during a commute. Teens feel safer talking when they don’t have to make eye contact, which is why the car is perfect - they’re trapped. But then again, so are you.

Ok, new plan: start the conversation while he’s foraging through the fridge for shabbus leftovers - the one time a teenager is too compelled by the urge to eat cold brisket to escape.

As for who should deliver the talk, both of you should. Your husband may think this is your duty, but part of raising a son is showing him that men can talk about relationships, responsibility and yes, even SEX without combusting. If Dad can’t handle that conversation, what kind of example is he setting? Your son needs to see that masculinity includes awkward chats about finding the right condom fit and features.

As for who should deliver the talk, both of you should. Your husband may think this is your duty, but part of raising a son is showing him that men can talk about relationships, responsibility and yes, even SEX without combusting. If Dad can’t handle that conversation, what kind of example is he setting? Your son needs to see that masculinity includes awkward chats about finding the right condom fit and features.

Your son also needs to hear from Mum because good communication with female family members isn’t just a life skill that needs exercising, it’s the difference between being a confident, emotionally intelligent man and a shmuck who thinks haphazardly groping a boob is foreplay.

If your husband refuses to do his part, wait until you’re all in a quiet space together and begin the conversation with: “Your dad and I were talking about this the other night and he mentioned…” That’s right, make him complicit. Peer pressure - it worked in high school and it’s effective for middle-aged spouses too.

Finally, let’s talk tone. This isn’t about scare tactics or shame. Keep it practical, honest and open-ended. Does your son know where to get condoms? Does he understand that consent is an ongoing conversation, not just the absence of ‘no’? Has he considered that intimacy isn’t just about doing things, but about how both people feel before, during and after? (We’re talking Safe Sex AND Pleasurable Sex.)

Most importantly, does your son know he can come to either of you with questions? Because that’s the real goal here; not just getting through this one embarrassing talk, but a lifelong understanding that he can talk to you about anything.

Good luck! And if all else fails, just leave some condoms in the leftover brisket. The message will be received.