The dads redefining Jewish belonging for their kids

Judaism has long been defined by matrilineal descent, but as the rate of intermarriage rises and more families embrace diversity, a new generation of Jewish fathers is reshaping what it means to raise Jewish children.

With non-Jewish partners by their side, these fathers are carving a modern path to preserving Jewish continuity, ensuring their children grow up with a strong Jewish identity, challenging the stigma of "marrying out" and the legal definitions of Orthodox Judaism.

The Jewish Independent speaks with three dads who are navigating the complexities of identity, tradition, and multicultural family dynamics to enable their children to embrace their Jewish heritage.

'When it comes to continuity, including us is incredibly important'
Dion Szer, 40

“I completed Jewish education from childcare to high school. I was raised in a secular house – both of my parents are Jewish but they aren’t religious. I made the decision to have a bar mitzvah and explored practicing Judaism when I was younger, which they accommodated, but they were just as accepting when I ultimately decided I wasn’t religious. Today, I consider myself culturally Jewish.

“It was important, especially for my paternal grandparents, that I raised my children in a traditional Jewish context. I always felt that to them, if I married someone non-Jewish, my kids would not be considered Jewish. All their grandchildren ended up marrying non-Jews which I think disappointed them. My parents always said marrying Jewish would be easier, but they never pressured me into that. For me, having a Jewish partner was very consciously one of the lowest factors on my dating list.

“I met my wife Melanie through a mutual friend, and we were married just over a decade ago in 2014. Mel was raised Catholic: her family was religious, and they went to church every Sunday, but she viewed it more as a family tradition. As she grew older, she made her own choices around faith.

“Mel and I have two daughters, in grades one and three, and we’re raising them to celebrate both of our cultures. That includes Christmas and Easter, and the more family-oriented Jewish high holy days – Rosh Hashanah, Pesach and Chanukah. The main reason I celebrate Jewish festivals is for the connection to family, and that’s exactly what it’s like for Mel. We leave church and shule out of it. Sometimes there's a bit of favouritism from the kids when it comes to Christmas, but that’s just because of the presents. It’s lots of fun raising a multicultural family. You get the best of both worlds.

“I’ve slowly started speaking to my kids about the Holocaust, which my grandparents survived, and especially the fear many Jews are experiencing now. They don’t quite understand, but I’ll keep those conversations going. They’re currently at a secular primary school and we will likely choose a high school that doesn’t focus strongly on religion, which virtually rules out the Jewish options. When it comes to their bat mitzvahs, we’ve decided to let them choose.

“Culturally, I see my kids as Jewish. That matters to me. My family is part of the Jewish people and when it comes to continuity, particularly from a safety and avoidance of genocide perspective, including us is incredibly important.”

'My children are Jewish, there's no question about it'
David Langsam, 71

“I’ve always been fully aware of my Jewish identity and the massive loss that we collectively suffered as a people. My father and his two brothers were the only ones of their family to survive the Holocaust, and I lost family members on my mother’s side too. I had a very standard Jewish upbringing in Australia. These days, I consider myself an Orthodox Jew, but I don't believe in any form of god – I’m Orthodox in the sense that it's my tribe.

“I wanted my children to be Jewish so they knew who they were. My then-wife very happily agreed – even though she was English, she understood adversity. There was never a debate about it – we were going to bring up our kids Jewish, which is quite funny, because we’re both atheists. Occasionally we’d celebrate Christmas, but it was never a big deal because neither of us were religious.

“We had three children together and they all had a bris and bar mitzvah. We hired a private tutor to teach them Hebrew, which is something I felt was a critical part of their Jewish upbringing. We sort of kept shabbat, saying the prayers and taking it easy on Saturdays. We celebrated all the high holy days, our favourite festival was Pesach, as we’d put on a big affair each year. I took them to Israel as well. All three kids are now in their twenties and I believe they still identify quite clearly as Jewish.

“There are some celebrated members of the Jewish community who have converted. If we accept them, my children are no different. It doesn’t matter to me if the Beth Din accepts them. If we go back to the Torah times, with King Solomon, the descent was patrilineal. The matrilineal addition is relatively new for Judaism in a bid to keep the Jewish line pure. Regardless, Hitler would have killed anyone that was a 16^th or 32^nd Jewish.

“Jews can practice religion. Jews can be atheist and never set foot in a shule. Jews can be Zionist or non-Zionist or event anti-Zionist. For me, it's tribal. My DNA is Jewish. It’s very much like having blue eyes or brown eyes, it’s not a choice. I'm a Jew, there's no question about it. My children are Jewish, there's no question about it. If you know who you are, everything else follows.”

'It's important to raise your kids with respect and love for many cultures'
Max Gross, 38 

“I grew up in a progressive Jewish household. My grandparents founded the synagogue in Canberra, which has a progressive stream to it, and when my parents started their family in Melbourne, they joined Leo Baeck Centre in Kew. I currently attend Temple Beth Israel (TBI).

“In my single days, I dated Jewish people and non-Jewish people. Nine years ago, Janeca and I met on the Clover app, and we’ve just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. Janeca grew up in the Philippines and isn't Jewish. Being part of multicultural Australia, and having several non-Jewish uncles and aunts, it feels normal to be blended.

“Janeca and I have two daughters and we’re raising them in a typical progressive Jewish household, like how I grew up. We do monthly family shabbat. We do all the Jewish festivals. We go to TBI for family activities. Our kids go to a primary school in Caulfield, in the heart of the Jewish community, and they do Hebrew classes through UJEB. At the same time, we celebrate the Filipino culture in lots of different ways. My wife is active in the Filipino community as a volunteer, so we go to lots of festivals and events, some of which she organises. We celebrate Christmas and Easter, and we also do Filipino food blogging, where we produce video reviews about Filipino restaurants around Melbourne.

“When you raise kids in a mixed setting, you get twice the culture, twice the food, twice the festivals, twice the uniqueness and benefits of being in a multicultural society. Sometimes people comment about my decision to marry a non-Jew, which is impolite, but that rarely comes progressive Jews. Progressive families are much more blended than other sects of Judaism. My daughters feel Jewish and are treated the same as others. The focus is on Jewish values and Tikkun Olam – it’s not on genetics.

“As a progressive Jew, we recognise patrilineal descent as part of our religion and community. The risk is that if you don't include families like mine and our unique connection to Judaism, we can choose to opt out, which isn’t helpful for Jewish continuity. Many Jewish values are universal and held by different faiths. It's important to raise your kids with respect and love for many cultures.” 

Ruby Kraner-Tucci, the author of this piece, and Dion Szer are cousins.