I didn’t plan to share but…

“Why don’t you fast Tami?”

The question, from my Ashamed to Admit co-host Dashiel Lawrence on last year’s Yom Kippur episode, struck a nerve.

It brought together my Jewish identity, the perception of my body and my medical history in a high stakes public setting.

I could have replied that I have low blood pressure or that I find fasting a barrier – not a portal – to authentic repentance and spiritual renewal. Both answers would have been true, but they would have also avoided a story which is not just personal but also cultural.

So, I revealed that I stopped fasting at the age of 19 when I was receiving treatment for an eating disorder that I developed as a child. During this time, I acknowledged that the religious practice of fasting came with the risk of relapse.

I did not intend to talk about the distressing eight-year preoccupation with my body, it just sort of happened. I considered editing it out, but we decided to keep it in the final edit.

I’m glad I did. Several listeners reached out to thank me for exposing my vulnerability. Some had similar childhood experiences or struggling loved ones and appreciated the solidarity. Others are still battling their own illnesses.

The reaction to my disclosure left me wondering how many more community members would benefit from talking openly about the taboos of body image in our community.

At the start of my recovery journey, a healthcare professional offered me the analogy that an eating disorder is like a song in a music player. “At the moment the ED track is playing on repeat at maximum volume.” Managing my expectations, she warned, “the ED track will always be there… but we’ll hopefully get you to a place where it’s on random. Sometimes it’ll pop up when you least expect it, but you’ll have the skills to skip to the next song or at least turn the volume down”.