Published: 22 June 2025
Last updated: 15 September 2025
Dear Sex and the Shtetl,
My 10-year-old says she's bisexual. I think she's too young to be anything sexual. How do I hose her down without sounding homophobic?
Oy Vay in the Bay
Dear Oy Vay in the Bay,
Firstly, thank you for writing in with your question. It takes guts to admit you’re out of your depth and parenting in a contemporary shtetl is basically a Maccabi Games of “being out of your depth.” Welcome to the pool (there are no floaties).
Now let’s gently peel back the lycra layers of your concern, because beneath the surface of your (questionable) phrasing, I hear genuine confusion and possibly fear: fear of your child growing up ‘too fast’, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of not understanding what your child needs from you right now. And a fear of sounding homophobic.
Here’s the thing: the goal isn’t to avoid sounding homophobic. The goal is to not be homophobic. Sticky little difference I know, but bear with me, because when we prioritise how we sound over how we are, we become like those people who whisper the word “gay” in case someone hears, or refer to a partner as “a special friend” with a wink. You know - accidental homophobes.
Let’s start with your belief that your 10-year-old is “too young to be anything sexual.” You might be surprised to hear that bisexuality isn’t just about sex. Just like being straight isn’t about sex: think the 10-year-old who says she’s Brent Rivera’s future girlfriend or the kid who insists on watching Yechiel Jacobs’ Instagram opus (via your account) for ‘Jewish Studies Research.’ Kids talk about love and connection and crushes all the time but it seems to only raise red flags when queerness is involved. That’s something to notice.
Comments3
Robyn Ochs24 June at 04:58 pm
I flinched when I read mom’s question: “How do I hose her down without sounding homophobic?”
I’m a bi+ speaker and editor of a grassroots global publication called Bi Women Quarterly, and I’ve identified as bisexual for 49 years, so far. I came out as bi when I was 18, but if I’d had information — media representation, the internet, peers who were out, role models, etc. — I would have come out as bi a lot earlier.
I had my first crush on another girl when I was 8, and it lasted for more than a year. I didn’t see it as a crush then because I was unaware that girls could be attracted to other girls. But, looking back, it was clearly a crush.
And lots of young people identify as bisexual. A 2024 Gallup survey found that 15.3% of Gen Z youth who are 18+ identify as bisexual. (They don’t survey those younger than 18.)
Tami Sussman, your response is spot on. For once, I don’t have anything to add.
THANK YOU.
Michael Barnett24 June at 12:05 pm
Sadly bisexual people are frequently marginalised by mainstream society for not being heterosexual, and also by the “gay” community for not being homosexual. It’s hard for bisexual people to be believed and/or accepted.
It’s also helpful to use correct terminology. It’s not “homophobic” to tell a bisexual person they’re not ready to embrace their sexuality, it “biphobic”. But it might not actually be biphobic to do so, just inappropriate.
On a personal level, I was 10 when I started feeling sexual desires, and it wasn’t girls I felt them for. I fully believe a 10-year old who says they’re bisexual. There’s no good reason no to believe them.
On the basis any 10-year old might have sexual feelings, it makes perfect sense that it could be any gender they’re aimed at.
Let’s celebrate bisexuality, not shun it.
Zach24 June at 06:47 am
Think about it this way: if your 10 yo daughter talked to you about liking a boy, would your first thought be that she’s planning to be sexually active or would you assume that she means wanting to hold hands and go to the skating rink? A 10 yo being interested in boys and girls just means that they’re doodling both boys and girls names in a heart on their notebook.