My 10-year-old says she’s bisexual. What should I say?

Dear Sex and the Shtetl,
My 10-year-old says she's bisexual. I think she's too young to be anything sexual. How do I hose her down without sounding homophobic?
Oy Vay in the Bay

Dear Oy Vay in the Bay, 

Firstly, thank you for writing in with your question. It takes guts to admit you’re out of your depth and parenting in a contemporary shtetl is basically a Maccabi Games of “being out of your depth.” Welcome to the pool (there are no floaties). 

Now let’s gently peel back the lycra layers of your concern, because beneath the surface of your (questionable) phrasing, I hear genuine confusion and possibly fear: fear of your child growing up ‘too fast’, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of not understanding what your child needs from you right now. And a fear of sounding homophobic.

Here’s the thing: the goal isn’t to avoid sounding homophobic. The goal is to not be homophobic. Sticky little difference I know, but bear with me, because when we prioritise how we sound over how we are, we become like those people who whisper the word “gay” in case someone hears, or refer to a partner as “a special friend” with a wink. You know - accidental homophobes. 

Let’s start with your belief that your 10-year-old is “too young to be anything sexual.” You might be surprised to hear that bisexuality isn’t just about sex. Just like being straight isn’t about sex: think the 10-year-old who says she’s Brent Rivera’s future girlfriend or the kid who insists on watching Yechiel Jacobs’ Instagram opus (via your account) for ‘Jewish Studies Research.’ Kids talk about love and connection and crushes all the time but it seems to only raise red flags when queerness is involved. That’s something to notice.